


Brian May's Bad Hair Day (a Maylor + Queen AU/Conker's Bad Fur Day parody fanfic) ***ON HIATUS***

by OfficialDaddyMaylor (IAmDaddyMaylor)



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, Conker's Bad Fur Day, Queen (Band)
Genre: 1970s Era Queen (Band), Alternate Universe, British, Character Death, Crude Humor, Death On Two...oh wait, Evil Tediz, Explicit Language, Fantasy, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't know what else to tag, Jokes, M/M, Maylor - Freeform, Music, Nintendo 64, Parody, Possible smut, Roger is a hero, Roger the scarecrow, Sexual Tension, Short Chapters, Some Wizard of Oz type shit, Squirrels, Toilet humor, War, Weird Shit, i wrote this out of boredom, it's a kind of magic, lol, might as well finish what I started, some serious moments, the borhap boys have been added as well, video games - Freeform, what the fuck am i doing?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmDaddyMaylor/pseuds/OfficialDaddyMaylor
Summary: After a night out of heavy drinking, Queen guitarist Brian May blacks out in the streets only to wake up in a strange place full of strange creatures. All he wants to do is go home but when he finds out that his beloved Red Special has been stolen by the evil king that rules the land that Brian is lost in, he sets out on a quest determined to get back what is rightfully his. Along the way he meets an interesting scarecrow who joins him in his long and crazy journey, and together they encounter foul mouthed dung beetles from Liverpool, a giant Opera singing pile of literal poo, a trip back in time to the stone age, and among a bunch more other things, they must also help a race of squirrels defeat an army of evil German speaking tediz. Just how much weirder can this day get for the curly haired guitarist? Find out in Brian May's Bad Hair Day.*Based off the coolest video game ever to be graced upon my generation on the Nintendo 64, Conker's Bad Fur Day. I own nothing but the idea.Just to be on the safe side, this story is rated as Explicit for foul language, violence, sexual content, some sensitive subjects, crude humor, and a bunch more stuff. Enjoy I guess. 😂😂😂😂
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor
Kudos: 7





	1. Prologue: A Night Of Drinking

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, so this is something I started writing back in May out of boredom and I'm warning ya'll now that this is probably gonna be stupid as hell and might not make any sense. However, while this might seem stupid and silly, it will also get serious from time to time. At the time of writing this I think I was going slightly mad from being in quarantine. 😂 Anyways, a lot of these chapters will be short, others might be long, I don't know. Also as of now, I've declared this as Maylor. Enjoy. 😁

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy. XD

_"Hello! You've reached the fabulous home of Freddie Mercury and my lovely husband Jim Hutton, who believe it or not has the biggest cock ever!"_

_"Freddie, what the fuck?!"_

_"Jim darling hush! Anyway, if you leave your name and number, and sound cute, I may just call you back. Ciao lovey!"_

The answering machine message beeped and Brian slammed the payphone back on the hook. This was literally the tenth time he tried calling Freddie to have Jim come and pick him up since he was out drinking and by now he was so wasted he practically couldn't see straight. His boyfriend Roger had disappeared hours ago and well Disco Deaky was at home with the wife no doubt getting busy on baby Deacon #5 or some shit.

"Bloody hell," he grumbles.

"Oi Brian, put the telly down and come have another drink!" someone calls out.

Brian turned and went to the bar area where his group of buddies were at. "Right then, who's round is it?"

"Yours!" the group shouts in unison.

His face scrunched up in discomfort at the thought of consuming more alcohol. "What the hell, again?" 

"Awww come on, poodle head!" one shouts.

Brian sighed. "Alrighty then..."

_***some time later that night***_

The room spun like crazy as Brian finished off the round of Absinthe. Everyone cheered and was just about to call for another round when the bartender called out that the bar was closing for the night. 

"Fuck off the lot of ya, bar's closing!"

Groans and protests from the drinkers filled the room. Brian was however thankful since he felt like vomiting after consuming so much alcohol.

"Well I guess it's time I head on home," he slurs to his drunk friends. "You lads enjoy yourselves and I'll see the lot of you next week or whatever."

Grabbing his beloved Red Special, he hiccuped and stumbled through the bar and out into the rainy night too drunk to realize that he hated getting his beloved guitar wet. It was dark as fuck out and the fresh air only made Brian's head spin more. He doubled over and vomited onto the sidewalk right in front of a little old man that was dressed like a monk. The monk growled.

Brian giggled nervously. "Ah sorry about that old chap. Gotta go."

The little old man glared up at the tall curly haired guitarist as he stumbled away into the darkness of the night.


	2. Hangover From Hell

Birds chirped and crows cawed in the distance as Brian came to. He slowly opened his eyes but his vision was unfocused in the sunlight. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to his surroundings, and when they did he soon realized he was in a strange place. He was currently laying in some high grass in a field.

_How the hell did I get here? Where the fuck am I?_

He sat up and almost immediately his head began to pound with a hangover from hell.

"Oh Jesus bloody Christ," he moans.

Brian stood up while clutching his head in his hands. The hangover was hurting like a bitch. He slowly walked the field until reaching an end where the high grass ended and the ground was covered in little yellow flowers that were...dancing? He looked down at the ground in confusion and began wondering if he was seeing things. He rubbed his eyes then looked again but they were still dancing.

"Like what you see?" a raspy high pitched voice asks.

Brian looked around but didn't see anyone. "Who said that?"

"Up here, ya daft poodle head!"

The guitarist whirled around and just about jumped out of his skin to see a scarecrow on a pole at the edge of the high grass. Next to him was a wooden sign with the words FECK OFF CROWS written across it in white paint. But what was really weird was that the scarecrow had the face of Roger.

"Roger?"

"Who told you my name?" the scarecrow asks. "Who are you?"

"You know damn well who I am," the guitarist says.

Roger the scarecrow shook his head. "Sorry but I don't you from Adam. Now what's your name?"

Brian rubbed at his temples, his headache seemingly getting worse. "It's Brian. I'm a guitarist trying to get home so I can go to bed. I feel like shit. Can you tell me which way to go?"

"Home? No I'm sorry, mate, can't help you on that," Roger says.

"So you can't help at all?"

The scarecrow thought for a moment. "Actually yes I can, maybe. If you come a bit closer."

Brian stepped closer to the scarecrow.

"Close your eyes," he tells Brian.

Brian did as he was told and a moment later he felt the scarecrows lips on his. His eyes shot open and he jumped back in surprise.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" Brian asks, wiping his mouth.

Roger giggled. "Got rid of your hangover didn't it?"

"I-"

The kiss actually did work. His headache was gone and he did indeed feel much more better.

"Well I guess I'll be off then," Brian says. "Thanks I guess."

Roger waved his arm full of straw and hay. "Glad to be of help."

The curly haired guitarist walked through the rest of the field until he came upon a bridge connected to a dark ass tunnel that led to god knows where. But the entrance was being blocked by a gigantic gargoyle.

"If you think you're coming this way, you can think again," the gargoyle says in a deep throaty voice.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Now that's a bit rude, don't you think? All I wanna do is go past. Please?"

The gargoyle shook his big head. "Nope sorry, no can do. I've only just got comfy. Have you ever sat on a piece of Gothic architecture for over two hundred years? Get's right up your arse you know. Thought it was about time to move onto a bridge. I'm not moving now."

"Awww come on now, mate, isn't there just a teeny bit of a chance of you letting me through?" Brian asks him, giving the gargoyle his best puppy dog eyes look.

The gargoyle rubbed his stone chin in thought and then pointed to the guitar slung across Brian's shoulder. "Hmmm...well perhaps if you bring that sexy arse of yours a bit closer, you can play me a song on that guitar and maybe I'll consider letting you though."

Brian smiled. "Alright then!"

Readying his fingers on the strings, Brian played a sweet guitar solo from his best song, We Will Rock You and after he was done, the gargoyle began to laugh.

"Ha!" he cackles. "We Will Rock You? What sort of crap is that? Hahahaha! You stupid little..."

While continuing to laugh, the gay gargoyle lost his footing and tumbled over the side of the bridge, and Brian waved at him as the giant stone monster plummeted to his death. With the entrance to the bridge now unblocked, Brian skipped happily across the bridge. Then a big ass boulder fell on him. Oh no. 

*****

**Don't worry, Roger will return. ;)**


	3. Fred The Grim Reaper

Brian was yet again laying on the ground in a strange place. This time it was dark as all fuck and there was weird howling noises. And then a deep echoing voice was heard in the darkness.

"BRIAN!" it shouts. "BRIAN! BRIAN HAROLD MAY, WAKE UP!"

He stirred awake and began to get creeped the fuck out by his surroundings.

"YES YOU, DARLING!" the voice shouts. "YOU'RE DEAD! YOU ARE DEAD! DEAD AS A DODO! DEADER THAN EVER! DEADER THAN MOTT THE HOOPLE! DEADER THAN--"

The voice was suddenly cut off by a loud feedback whine and Brian saw the person the voice belonged to emerge from the darkness. Freddie! He was wearing nothing but a black cloak with the hood pulled up. In one hand he was holding a large scythe and in the other a megaphone that was malfunctioning.

"ACK! I can't be arsed with this!" Freddie screeches angrily, throwing the megaphone to the ground. "That bloody ridiculous contraption is shit compared to a microphone! Who's stupid little idea was this anyway?!" 

_"It's my idea, now just go along with it!"_ author-chan shouts.

"Freddie what the fuck is going on?" Brian demands, ignoring the author.

"I don't know, darling just go along with it like she said," Freddie says with a roll of his eyes. "Alright now where were we? Ah yes. Hello there. My name's Fred the Grim Reaper and you better not laugh either or I'll shove this scythe up your arse."

"No worries Freddie," the guitarist says. "Nice outfit by the way."

Freddie smiled bashfully and twirled around. "Why thank you, darling," he giggles. "I quite like it. Very comfy. I might just wear something like this on the next tour. Now let's see here." He takes out a piece of paper. "Ah yes, Brian Harold May. Occupation?"

"Guitarist."

"Guitarist," Freddie repeats, reading down the list. "Gui-- Oh bloody hell, you just have to be a fucking guitarist don't you?"

"Is that a problem?" Brian asks.

"Yes dear, it is indeed quite a problem," Freddie says. "Just like those bloody cats, such a pain in the arse. But you're one of those special cases."

"I am?"

Freddie nodded. "According to the powers that be...I'm just doing my job. I do as I'm told even though I don't get paid very much. But apparently guitarists can have as many lives as they think they can get away with."

Brian pondered this new information. "So I'm not actually dead?"

"Well not quite."

"Alright cool, I'll be off then," Brian says.

Attempting to leave, Freddie blocked him with the scythe. "Hey hey hey! Not so fast, darling. There's no need to rush. Now the thing is you may not be dead but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have a few more shall we say...chances. Nyah...like cats. Dreadful little buggers they are! So I distributed around this world you are to go an adventure on with badger tails."

"What adventure is that?" Brian asks.

"An adventure to get your Red Special back," Freddie explains. "It's been stolen."

Brian's eyes widened. "What?! Who stole it, how do I get it back?!"

"With those," Freddie says, pointing to a badgers tail on a hook. "If you collect enough of them, they will eventually lead you back to your beloved Red Special which will eventually lead you home. Understand, dear?"

The curly haired guitarist nodded even though none of this shit was making any sense. "Uhhh...yeah I guess."

Freddie waved his hand, signalling Brian to leave. "Right, off you go then. I've got some cats to see." He turned and began to walk away, mumbling to himself as he faded away into the darkness. "Bloody things, I hate those bloody cats, the way they meow and shit and piss all over the place to where it smells bloody goddamn awful. And that bloody Delilah pissing all over my Chippendale suite..."

 _Well this is just bloody fucking great,_ Brian thought to himself. _My poor Red Special. Honestly who would do such a thing?_

Finally figuring he had no choice in the matter, he walked over to the badger tail and took it down off the hook. A whooshing noise was heard from above and looking up he saw a giant skeleton hand reaching for him. He screamed as it picked him up and threw him into a dark swirling abyss.


	4. Death On Two...Oh Wait

Paul Prenter, the evil trashcan bitch face king that ruled the land sat on his great throne, waiting impatiently for the dimwitted Professor Sheffield to return with what he asked for. At last the door to the throne room opened and in walked the man himself, death on two...oh wait. He floated in on a hovering chair actually and in his possession he held a red guitar that the motherfucker stole damn him. XD

"My liege!" he shouts excitedly. "I've got it, I've got it, my liege, hahaha!"

King Prenter smiled his evil smile with his stupid pedo mustache. "Ah very good."

Professor Sheffield floated on over to the throne and handed the guitar over to the evil king who took it.

"Excellent work, Professor," King Prenter says. "I have another job for you." He motioned towards the table beside his throne. 

The Professor floated closer to the table, inspecting it with his magnifying eye piece and could see that the table was missing a leg. His first thought to tell his bitch ass was to just buy a new damn table but he thought better of it because Prenter is a bitch and has a bad temper.

"Ah I think I see the problem," Sheffield says. "I will see what I can do. So just give me a moment and will come back later."

"Don't be too long," Prenter says to the departing Professor.

The Professor turned back to face the king and laughed nervously. "I will be as quick as I can, my lord."

"We don't want a repeat of last time, do we now?" the king asks with a raised eyebrow.

Sheffield cringed inwardly as a shiver ran down his spine making him laugh again. "Definitely not. Uh...I will go now."

"I don't want to have to get the duct tape out again," Prenter says.

Sheffield's one good eye widened. "Y-Y-Yeah, I-I-I mean n-no," he stammers nervously. "I don't want the duct tape again. Umm...goodbye now."

Turning back around, the Professor practically flew from the throne room and back to his lair. It was the one place he could talk as much shit as he wanted.

"DuCt TaPe," he says in a mocking tone, imitating the king. "I'll give him the fucking duct tape. Stupid fucking arsehole! I'll come down here, I'll show him where the duct tape is. I'll show him where to stuff it! Stupid fucker! All I do all day is try to sort his stupid fucking problems out! Arsehole, I fucking hate that fucking stupid fucking bitch!" 

He carried on with his intense venting which went on for another ten minutes until eventually he calmed his ass down and got back to work.


	5. Nasty Wasps / Dung Beetle Hill

The dark swirling abyss ended and Brian found himself standing in a colorful world with flowers and butterflies. In front of him was a path that led two different ways with the right side leading to a small bridge over a flowing river. In the middle of the path stood a white post with the second badger tail. He jogged over to take the tail and then investigated the sign that had the name 'Nasty' which pointed to the left and 'Nice' which pointed to the right. He decided to go down the right of the path since it sounded more interesting.

As he neared the bridge, the sound of a crying woman stopped Brian in his tracks. He looked over and saw a gigantic bumblebee circling around a slab of wood with tears flying everywhere. He frowned, suddenly feeling bad for the bee. Now normally Brian is afraid of bees 'cuz they like to fly into his curly hair for no reason and make him scream like a little girl. Freddie and the guys would tell you since they went to a beekeeper farm one time and a swarm of the angry little fuckers went after the poodle heads hair. But enough of that shit 'cuz Brian is a true British gentlemen and felt so bad for the crying bee so he went over to see what was wrong.

"Umm, hello there," he says to her. "You alright?"

The bee turned and shook her head. "Oh those nasty, nasty wasps!" she sobs. "What ever shall we do? My beautiful hive has gone, and I'll never see it again!"

"I could go and find it for you if you'd like?" Brian offers.

"Oh yes, please do!" she cries. "Otherwise, I don't know what we're going to do!"

"Alright, just calm down, there's no need to cry, love," Brian says. "Where is it?"

The bee shook her head. "I don't know where exactly so you'll have to follow the signs."

Brian sighed. "Ok I'll be right back."

Figuring that he'd have to go down the other path, Brian made his way back towards the sign and headed off in the 'Nasty' direction. He passed a barbed wire fence that led to what looked like the entrance to a war zone before coming upon the biggest hive he had even seen in his entire life. The strong smell of honey filled the air as he walked further up the path and that's when he saw it. The crying bees hive sitting at the entrance to the giant hive.

"Seems easy enough," Brian says to himself, picking it up.

He turned to leave when suddenly three big nasty ugly ass looking wasps came flying out of the entrance of the big hive and they looked pissed as hell.

"Hey!" the cigar smoking wasp yells. "Some curly haired wise guy is trying to steal our nice new hive!"

"C'mon boss, let's get his ass!" the skinny wasp yells.

"Yeah, let's get him!" the fat wasp adds in.

Brian took off running down the path, the wasps in hot pursuit as they attempted several times to sting him while throwing a bunch of insults at him. He ran with all his might till eventually he was able to get some distance from the wasps.

"I got it!" he yells out to the bumblebee as he nears her nesting area.

Suddenly he tripped and fell on his face, losing his hold on the hive and it flew through the air, landing right on the wooden slab. The hive then transformed into a gun turret and the bumblebee jumped inside and aimed the turrets straight at the three wasps who soon caught up. They stopped dead in their tracks and the bee open fired at the enemies who turned and took off screaming before being obliterated by the bullets.

Brian cheered and went over to the hive as the bumblebee got out. Her crying was done and she smiled happily at the curly haired guitarist.

"Oh thank you, you're such a wonderful human being!" she says. "How can I ever repay you?"

Brian smiled. "Ah no worries, you owe me nothing. I'm just glad I could be of help. See you around, yeah?"

"Yes, drop by anytime you like," she says. "Cheerio!"

Brian waved while turning to leave. "Bye now!"

He crossed over the bridge and onto a hill. On the left was a winding path that led to a big windmill and on the right was a steep hill with random tree stumps.

*****  
 **(A/N: I freaking loved the dung beetles dialogue back when I played this game. XD)**

From it's resting spot on one of the tree stumps, a giant red dung beetle took notice of a tall curly haired man wandering the path.

"Alright, who's this then?" he asks his buddy.

The dung beetle next to him popped his head up. "It looks like one of them humans."

"I reckon we should go down there and kick the shite out of him?"

His buddy shook his head. "Nah, wait till he comes up here, alright?"

"Ok then, yeah..."

*****

Meanwhile Brian suddenly noticed the four giant sleeping dung beetles that seemed to be guarding the hill. He walked forward a bit and just as he was about to walk up the hill, one of the closest dung beetles suddenly popped it's head up with an angry look on it's face.

"I'm gonna kick the shite outta this bastard!" it yells as it takes flight, flying straight towards Brian.

"Whoa!" Brian exclaims, diving out of the way. "Hey!"

"Stay off our hill or we'll kick your arse, ya hear!" one of the dung beetles yells at him in a heavy Liverpudlian accent.

"Bloody hell, you could've been nicer about it!" Brian yells back at them.

"Feck off ya curly haired cunt!" a dung beetle angrily yells from the top of the hill.

Giving them the two finger flip off to their rudeness, Brian turned away and stomped back to the path 'cuz oh boy he was fuming mad. He searched for another way around the hill but seeing that the river was on the other side of the path with no way across it, his chances looked hopeless.

"Oi, fancy seeing you again!" a raspy high pitched voice calls out.

Brian turned around and spotted Roger the scarecrow near a rock wall of the windmill's path smoking a cigarette.

"Hey Roger," Brian says, approaching the scarecrow.

"What's got you down, huh?" Roger asks, noticing the taller mans grim look.

Brian pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the dung beetles.

"Ah I see," Roger says. "Maybe I could help."

"Oh yeah, how?" Brian asks. "They're very rude and I highly doubt they'll listen to you."

Roger thought for a moment. "Got any cocaine?"

The curly haired guitarist shot the scarecrow a strange look. "What?"

Roger laughed. "Nothing, just a joke. Try this."

The scarecrow took out a slingshot and held it out to Brian.

"A slingshot?" he asks.

Roger smiled. "Yeah why not?"

Brian figured he might as well try it. Picking up a handful of good sized stones, he readied it on the rubber band and flung it forward. The rock took flight and hit the dung beetle at the bottom of the hill.

"Oi now what's this?!" it yells angrily, taking flight. "Alright ya curly haired bastard, ya wanna fight?!"

Taking another rock, he launched it at the attacking dung beetle who then exploded in a mess of green goop.

"Alright Brian, whoo-hoo!" Roger cheers.

Feeling proud of himself, Brian smiled and launched another rock, this time hitting the farthest dung beetle at the top of the hill.

"Fecking cunt, I'mma git ya!" it yells, taking flight and charging towards Brian.

He sends another rock and the dung beetle explodes from the impact. The last two dung beetles were easy peasy and after Brian finished defeating them, he and Roger high fived.

"Well," Roger says as he throws his finished cigarette into the river. "I best be off now. Gotta get back to protecting the field from crows."

"Oi wait, why don't you join me?" Brian asks.

The scarecrow rubbed his chin in thought. "Hmmm...I don't know. I don't have legs if you haven't already noticed."

Brian looked down and Roger was indeed right about that. He didn't have legs and just seemed to pop up outta the ground.

_"I'll allow it I guess,"_ author-chan says.

Like some kind of magic, a pair of legs appeared on Roger and the scarecrow began to bawl his eyes out in pure happiness.

"All I've ever wanted was legs!" he blubbers. "Alright lets go, Brian!"

With smiles on their faces, the two men linked arms and skipped happily up the hill.


	6. Barn Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those familiar with the game, there's a few missions, if not several that I might skip 'cuz a lot of them are a bit complicated to put into writing.
> 
> Also this chapter is Rated M for some stuff I can't explain. Enjoy I guess. XD

As Brian and Roger skipped like giggling schoolboys up the hill, an awful stench made the guitarist stop in his tracks and his eyes widened to the sight of a giant spiraling mountain of shit to his left where more of those red foul mouthed dung beetles were busy yelling expletives at one another and circling around the mountain.

"What the bloody hell is this place?" he asks, covering up his nose.

Roger just laughed, unbothered by the stench. "Poo Land. You get use to the smell after awhile."

Brian scoffed at him. "Easy for you to say. Are we supposed to even go through here?"

_"Yes, just keep walking and you'll eventually come upon another area where there's no shit,"_ author-chan informs him. _"It's just past that cabin."_

Brian sighed. "Well alright then. Come on, Roger."

They both walked further into the area and Brian wished he had some sort of mask to block out the horrible stench. Nearing the cabin, he looked on the door which had a sign hanging on it that said CLOSED, BE BACK AT 10.

"Roger, what time is it?" he asks.

The scarecrow pulled out a gold watch. "It's just now nearing 9. We could come back later."

Brian nodded. "Sounds great. Let's get out of this bloody disgusting place." 

Roger giggled at the guitarist and followed behind him to where author-chan told them to go and it wasn't long until they came upon another hill that went downwards into a small flowing river next to a barn and a big open field of green grass that looked endless. Despite not wanting to get his precious clogs soaked, Brian willingly walked down the hill and into the river since there was no other way around it. As they neared the barn on the other side, a big metal box called out to them.

"Well hey there sonny's!" it greets them.

Brian did a double take and smiled at the strange talking object. "Hello there."

"Nice to meet ya, I'm Bert," it says. "I'd shake your hands but I don't have any myself."

The guitarist chuckled. "I'm Brian, this is Roger."

"Good to be meeting ya," Bert says. "Go on ahead and check out the barn. I hear there's something real neat in there."

"Like what?" Roger asks.

"Don't know," Bert says. "You'd have to see for yourself."

Brian and Roger looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Can't hurt to look," Roger says to the curly haired guitarist.

"I guess you're right," he agrees. "Come on then."

"See ya sonny's!" Bert calls to them as they leave.

The guitarist and scarecrow waved to him, then headed towards the entrance of the barn. The heavy wooden doors creaked as they opened, and once inside, they came upon a cluster of different sized haystacks jumping around that suddenly stopped when they saw Roger and Brian standing in the doorway.

"Ummm, hi," Brian says, waving to the haystacks. "We were told there's something real neat in here and thought we'd check it out."

The smallest haystack in the group let out a deep throaty chuckle. "Yeah it's neat in here, alright," it says in a deep voice. "What brings you fellas around here?"

*****

On a work table across the barn, a paint-pot and a paintbrush turned their attentions towards the two uninvited visitors standing over by the door. One was tall and human with long curly hair, wearing a white long sleeved shirt and black bell bottoms. The other a scarecrow with a human and quite feminine face with long stringy blonde hair and scraggly looking clothes.

"Hey Frankie," the paint-pot says to the pitchfork next to the table. "Looks like we have some new visitors over there just coming in through the door. I think it's your turn. Is it his turn?" he asks, looking over at the paintbrush.

"Yeah, I think it's his turn," the jittery paintbrush agrees. "Hey Frankie, go kick their asses. Go on, go kick their asses for coming in here, go!"

"I ain't kicking," Frankie says. "It's always my turn to kick their ass."

"Frankie, just get over there and kick their asses for fuck sake," paint-pot says.

"Yeah, yeah, go over there and kick some ass!" paintbrush squeals at him. "Someone's gotta do it and it ain't gonna be me, I'm a brush. I don't kick ass!"

"And I'm a fucking paint-pot! Go kick their asses!"

Frankie sighed. "Uhh ok, I'll kick their asses. I'm not going over there, they can come over here!"

Paint-pot grinned evilly and looked back at the two strangers who were coming towards them. "Ok, shhhh, here they come, keep still."

Brian and Roger approached the work table where the scarecrow suddenly noticed the paint-can and paintbrush, and at that moment, the pitchfork suddenly jumped forward, looking angry as all hell.

"What the damn diddly squat are you twos doing in mah barn!" it yells, surprising both Roger and Brian.

"Look, we don't want any trouble," Brian says, holding up his hands.

The pitchfork glared at the taller man. "I reckon you ain't from 'round here, are ya boy?" 

"No, I'm from a place called London," he tells the pitchfork.

"And I'm from some field," the scarecrow adds in.

"I don't rightly recollect liking your type," the pitchfork says. "Therefore I conclude I is gonna kick your butts all around this barn like there's no tomorrow! I is gonna stick my big fork right in ya's!"

"Come on now, what's this about?" Brian asks him, his eyes wide.

"Yeah, we're taller than you and can snap your wooden looking arse in half!" Roger threatens.

"That's it!" the pitchfork yells. "I is gonna give the both a ya's a whooping of a lifetime! Here we go!"

"What the fuck--oww!" Roger yells, jumping back as the pitchfork takes the first shot into his leg. "Hey!"

"Better run, boys!" the pitchfork yells at them.

Brian grabbed onto Roger's hand. "Run!"

The two men took off across the barn, running and screaming like little girls as they ran through the cluster of jumping haystacks with the pitchfork hot on their tails, and up to the door, only to find that it was locked.

"Yee-ha!" the pitchfork yells. "I got you now boys!"

"Oh shit!" Roger screeches, diving out of the way as the pitchfork charged at them, colliding with the door.

The pitchfork fell and grunted as it got back up. "I ain't as young as I used to be."

The pitchfork then started going after the curly haired guitarist, who suddenly got an idea as he ran into the group of jumping haystacks.

"Here I am, come get me, forky!" Brian taunts.

"Brian, are you mad?!" the scarecrow screams.

"Oh we gotta feisty one here, I like that!" the pitchfork says, charging after Brian. "C'mon boy!"

Just as it approached him, Brian picked up the jumping haystack and threw it at the angry pitchfork which sent hay flying everywhere. Roger seeing that the hay was having some sort of affect on the angry thing, did the same as well where he began taunting it to come after him. Roger and Brian took turns, running and throwing the jumping haystacks until the pitchfork walked away in shame.

"This is just too much," it says, heading back towards the work table where paintbrush and paint-pot glared at him.

"I've seen some kicking ass in my time, and that was the shittiest, crappiest, most shittiest fucking kick ass I've ever seen!" paint-pot says.

"Yeah, that was pretty crap!" paintbrush agrees. "As ass kicking goes, it was abysmal, and you is a shit bastard, stupid bastard! Isn't he?"

"Yeah he sure is," paint-pot laughs. "So whaddya gonna do now, kill yourself? That's what I would recommend."

"Yeah you should do that," paintbrush tells him. "In fact we got a rope right here."

Paint-pot looked up above them at the rope hanging down from the upstairs catwalk. "Yeah, there you go, there's a rope."

"What kind of friends are you?" Frankie asks, feeling hurt. "In that case, I is gonna do it, I is gonna do it right now, that's all there is to it! Fuck the both a ya's!"

Brian and Roger approached the workbench just as Frankie angrily jumped past them while the paintbrush and paint-pot laughed at the poor pitchfork.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" Brian asks, looking at the two laughing objects on the table.

"Nothing," paint-pot tells him. "But you ought to stick around for this next part."

The two men looked at paint-pot in confusion until it looked up above them and started laughing hysterically.

"You dumb shit, what are you doing?!" it laughs. "You stupid bastard, hahahaha!"

Brian and Roger looked up to see the pitchfork somehow hanging from the ceiling with the rope tied around him even though it didn't have a neck.

"Should we help him?" Roger asks.

"He hasn't even got a neck," paint-pot tells him. "He's fine."

"Yeah look at him up there, the stupid bastard hasn't even got a neck," the paintbrush pipes in. "He hasn't got a neck has he?"

The paint-pot frowned at the brush. "I already said that! Shut the fuck up!"

"Ok," paintbrush mumbles. "Sorry."

"I don't believe this!" Frankie cries. "I don't appear to have a neck of any description. In fact I ain't even got an esophagus. Awww diddle di damn, I is gonna be up here for some time!" 

The guitarist and the scarecrow looked back up at the pitchfork, suddenly feeling sorry for him, despite the fact he tried attacking them earlier by threatening to kick their asses.

"Let's help him down," Brian suggests.

Paint-pot and paintbrush looked at each other and laughed while the two headed off to find a way to get upstairs to the catwalk, and as the barn doors closed behind them, a giant haystack with big arms jumped down from the catwalk and the entire ground shook as he landed right in front of the worktable, frightening the two talking objects.

"So my nemesis has been defeated," the giant observes as he looks at a shaking paint-pot and paintbrush and chuckles evilly. "Yes. It's me again. Right. Time to wander around, aimlessly..."


	7. Giant Haystack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. Enjoy.

A couple bats hanging upside down up near the cat walk sensed Roger and Brian walking in and the closest one squeaked out an insult at the scarecrow.

"Fuck you too, Barry!" Roger says to him.

Barry the bat laughed at him and soon the others joined in as well, squeaking and squawking up a storm.

"You understand them?" Brian asks.

Roger nodded as they walked along the narrow cat walk until they reached where Frankie was hanging. Problem was, they couldn't reach him 'cuz he's too damn high up and even though Brian is tall, he wouldn't be able to reach him if he tried.

"What now?" Brian asks. "How do we reach him?"

The scarecrow thought for a moment until a literal light bulb appeared above his head with a ting noise and a collection of throwing knives appeared like magic in front of them.

"Ah, here we go," Roger says, handing the knives to Brian. "Try these."

"Ok then," the guitarist says.

Concentrating real hard, Brian threw the first knife and missed. The second and third one almost hit the pitchfork, causing it to jump away in fright.

"What the hell you trynna do?!" it screeches.

Then Roger took a shot with multiple throwing knives and the pitchforks eyes widened when one knife cut straight through the rope.

"This is gonna hurt," it whimpers.

And down he went, falling to the floor below with a thud where the paint-pot and paintbrush laughed at him.

Back up above, Roger and Brian noticed a ladder that hadn't been there before, along with the third badgers tail hanging next it. The guitarist took it, stuffing it into his pocket and they climbed down.

"What you do that for?" paint-pot asks the two men. "Dumb shits!"

"Yeah!" paintbrush agrees. "Ya dumb shits!"

"Why is it you have to repeat everything I say?" paint-pot asks him.

"I don't repeat everything you say. Do I?"

"Yes you do it a lot actually," Brian says to him.

Paintbrush looked up at the taller man. "Oh...sorry."

Frankie jumped over to Roger and Brian with a smile. "Why thank you, boys. I was hanging up there by my purty little neck."

"No problem, we were just glad to be of help," Brian says.

Roger threw a thumb over his shoulder. "Oi, what are we going to about this guy over here? He looks like trouble."

Brian and Frankie turned to see the giant haystack with arms jumping around.

"What do you wanna do about him?" Frankie asks him. "I'll do anything for you twos 'cuz yous is my bestest buddies in the whole wide world."

Paint-pot and paintbrush started laughing, and Brian who was having quite enough with them two, walked over and grabbed the paintbrush.

"Hey what the hell ya doing?" the brush screams.

"Shutting you up," Brian says, shoving him inside the paint-pot. "That's what I'm doing." He dusted off his hands with a smirk and went back over to Roger and Frankie. "So what exactly do you have in mind for that bloke over there?" Brian asks, gesturing to the evil looking haystack.

"Well now, just hop on my back here, and we is gonna go for a ride," Frankie says.

Brian giggled. "I'm afraid I'm a bit too tall for that. Any other ideas?"

The pitchfork thought for a moment. "Well you could pick me up and stick me right in that evil lookin' haystack."

"Sounds good to me," the guitarist says. "Come on, Rog."

The three of them headed towards the haystack, which growled at them as they approached and attempted to hit Roger and Brian with it's big ass hand. Brian dodged it's hit and grabbed the pitchfork, stabbing it in the back, and for some reason the haystack burst into flames. **('cuz yeah, video game logic I guess. XD)**

The haystack let out an angry scream and waved it's arms around as it growled and chased after Roger and Brian before turning back around and jumping about, causing the ground to shake. They went in for a second attack which seemed to anger the evil haystack even more.

"Uh-oh," Brian says as it turns to glare at them with a big red robotic eye.

"Buff you, asshole," the flaming robotic haystack says.

"Hurry up and kill it!" Roger screeches.

Brian went in for another attack. "Roger, you could help too, you know?!"

The robot haystack screamed again and jumped in place with an angry look on it's face as the floor shook, and before Brian had a chance to get away, the floor broke open and down they went into an endless black hole. Brian, Frankie, and the robot haystack all screamed in terror as they plummeted downwards.

"Brian!" Roger screams down into the hole.


	8. Haybot Wars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The game developers were inspired by Terminator for this mission. Also doing this mission in the game sucked ass for the escape part 'cuz I always died. So I changed it up a bit for the story. Enjoy. :P

*********

Brian screamed as he fell a great distance before landing with a thud at the bottom of some giant underground lair. Frankie landed next to him.

"Ouch," the guitarist says.

"You alright big fella?" Frankie asks him.

Brian nodded even though his ankle was throbbing in pain. "I think so, but I think I sprained my ankle. Where the bloody hell are we?"

"Beats me," the pitchfork says, looking around.

"We should probably find a way out of here," Brian says.

"Yeah," the pitchfork agrees. "But--"

The pitchfork was suddenly cut off by the sound of metal drumming music, and looking over, they both took notice of a giant silhouette hidden within the flames of where the robot haystack had landed.

"I don't think I like the sound of that music," Brian says, backing away.

"I don't either," Frankie says. "What do we do?"

Just then, the haystack, now all robot, jumped out of the fire and let out an angry roar, and Brian and Frankie's eyes widened in horror as they watched the haybot bring out a missile.

"Suzie 9MM!"

"I'm right here, sweetie pie!" the missile says. "Just tell me where to shoot."

The haybot launched the missile straight at Brian, and the curly haired guitarist dove out of the way as it flew by overhead and crashed into a wall.

"Come on, get down here, boy!" Frankie yells, jumping off the platform and into the low ground below.

Brian stumbled after him, limping as fast as he could on his sprained ankle, and another missile was launched into a pillar as the guitarist dove into the lower ground. The front of the pillar then exploded and began spraying out water onto the platform, giving Brian an idea.

"I think I've got an idea on how to stop him!" he shouts over all the noise.

"What might that be?"

"The water," Brian tells him. "If each of those pillars contain water and we have him launch missiles into them, we could lure him into the water and he'll malfunction." **(This is great advice if robots one day take over the world. Just throw water at them. There, problem solved, LOL!** 😂😂😂 **)**

Frankie smiled to his idea. "Alright, let's do it, big fella! Jump up onto my back though, wouldn't want ya to hurt that ankle even more!"

Despite his earlier excuse, Brian climbed onto the back of the pitchfork, who surprisingly handled the weight of the taller man pretty well. Frankie jumped quick and fast to the edge of the platform next to the pillar where the haybot instantly spotted them and charged after them, but the pitchfork moved away just as the robot stepped into the water and began to seize up and malfunction before jumping back away into some sort of daze where it began to spin around in a circle. The pitchfork then noticed a big red button on it's back.

"Press that button!" Frankie says, quickly jumping in the direction of the spinning robot.

As it turned it's back again, Brian reached out and hit the button. Frankie jumped away and they watched as the haybot started malfunctioning again as it's arm exploded into sparks and wires, angering it even more. They jumped back and off the platform, and the haybot launched the next two Suzie 9MM's as they took shelter behind another pillar where water immediately began spewing and spraying everywhere from the impact of the missiles. The robot roared and charged at the pillar, only to be stopped by the water again, too dumb to realize that the water was bad for it and Brian and Frankie were actually outsmarting it.

"It's working!" Brian exclaims, watching as the haybots other arm exploded. "Just two more pillars!"

They circled around the giant lair, ducking as the haybot launched missile after missile at them until they both eventually reached the third pillar. Water exploded out towards the robot, and by now the lair was beginning to flood, but Frankie and Brian didn't seem to notice, too focused on defeating the thing.

"One more!" Brian shouts.

"Yee-ha!" Frankie shouts, jumping fast.

The last and final pillar took a direct hit from another missile, once again spraying the robot and everything else with water, and the haybot screeched in agony as it spun around so fast that it exploded into a million pieces. Brian and Frankie cheered, but all too soon, their celebration was cut short when they realized the whole place was flooding.

"We probably might want to find a way out of here now," Brian says.

Frankie chuckled. "Yeah," he agrees, and at the moment, water began pouring out faster from the pillars, flooding the place even more. "Uhh anyway, I uhh, I gotta go. See ya!"

"Oi!" Brian calls out after him. "Where are you going?" But just as quick, the pitchfork disappeared seemingly into thin air and the curly haired guitarist groaned. "Bloody hell!"

By now the water had risen a considerable amount, reaching to his waist, and Brian waded through the water as fast as he could after spotting a ladder at the other end of the giant lair that led to a doorway all they way at the top that looked to be a very long climb up.

Just then, a far off high pitched voice called out to him from way up above, and the curly haired guitarist looked up. It was Roger!

"Hurry, mate!" the blonde haired scarecrow screeches. "The water's rising fast!"

Brian swam for the ladder, and finally reaching it, he dragged himself up and out of the water and began to climb as quick as he could with a sprained ankle. The large pillars began to split near the top and middle, the bolted seams that held them together creaking and groaning from the weight of the water, and just as Brian neared the halfway point to the top of the ladder, he heard something explode from behind him, and glancing over his shoulder, he watched with wide eyes as a huge blast of water came straight at him, and Roger screamed as he watched the curly haired guitarist get knocked off the ladder and pulled down into the deep water below.

"Brian!" Roger screams, his eyes scanning the water as it suddenly stopped rising and an eerie silence filled the lair. "BRIAN!" he screeches again. "Oh fuck..."

 _"Get the fuck in there and save him, you idiot!"_ author-chan yells at the scarecrow.

"Ok..." he says, and taking a deep breath, he jumped into the water, holding his breath as he disappeared below the dark surface, immediately spotting Brian who was slowly floating down towards the bottom, and Roger's instincts to save him kicked in...

*****

 **Haha.** 😁 **See ya'll in the next chapter.** 😜


	9. Roger To The Rescue / Fat Bottomed Sunflower Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now while this story may seem silly and stupid, there will be some serious moments as well. And who knows, I might put in some smut between Roger and Brian 'cuz why the fuck not, am I right? ;) Also I don't know shit about CPR so I did my best.
> 
> Oh yeah and the second half of this chapter is Rated M for some uhhh...sexual content I guess, I don't know. 😂
> 
> Enjoy. XD

Roger swam downwards, his lungs burning as he pushed onward to get to Brian, determined to get him back to the surface so they could continue on with their journey to get the curly haired man home where he belonged. He didn't belong here in this other world. It was much too dangerous for him. He wasn't like any of the other creatures in this world, either. It made him wonder just how the hell Brian ended up here in the first place.

At last, the scarecrow reached Brian, and he grabbed onto him with both arms and swam upwards to the surface. He gasped and coughed as he came up for air, and swam for the ledge of the doorway with a limp Brian in his arms. He grunted, lifting the taller man up from the water and set him down on the dry ground before climbing out himself where he immediately began to slap at Brian's pale wet face to get him awake.

"Oi, come on now, wake up!" Roger pleads desperately. "Come on!"

His mind racing a million miles a second, Roger started pressing down on the curly haired guitarists chest in a series of fast compressions, but it didn't seem to be doing anything.

"Fuck, come on Brian, don't fucking do this to me now!" the scarecrow yells. 

Bending down, he tipped Brian's head back and began to breathe into the other man's mouth, then started the fast compression's to his chest once more. "You're! Not! Fucking! Dead! Come on! Come on!" he grunts in between compressions.

He bent down again and pressed his mouth to Brian's, determined as hell to get this curly haired individual breathing again. 

"Come on, goddammit!" he screeches. "Please!"

He continued mouth to mouth, the guitarists chest rising and falling with each breath Roger gave to him until Brian's eyes finally shot open, and he choked and spat up water. 

"Bloody hell, yes!" the blonde haired scarecrow breathes out in relief as he turns Brian on his side and pats him on the back. "You're alright, yeah."

Brian gasped and coughed out the last of the water from his lungs. "What...what happened?" he asks in a hoarse voice, his throat burning from coughing so hard. 

Roger leaned over him and pushed his curly wet locks from his face. "I thought you were dead."

"Yeah...I thought so, too," Brian says, looking around. "Where are we?"

"According to the arsehole bozos in the barn, this is the underground water reservoir for the farm," Roger explains to him. "Right now we're on the other side of the barn, this is just one of the entryways."

"Oh," is all Brian says as he slowly goes to sit up.

"Easy now," Roger says to him softly.

As Brian sat up, their gazes met and Roger took notice of the human's hazel eyes, something he had never noticed before, along with his handsome facial structure, and the smoothness of his skin on his young face.

"You alright?" Roger asks him, gently touching his cheek.

Brian nodded. "Yeah...thanks."

The scarecrow smiled at him and the guitarist looked away, suddenly taking notice of a change in the scarecrow's one hand that was still on his shoulder.

"Roger...your hand," he says.

The scarecrow looked down at his hands, his eyes widening in seeing that they were glowing, the hay and straw slowly disappearing and changing into human hands with fingers. He stared at them in confusion for a second before checking other parts of him. His legs were doing the same thing as well as his chest and stomach when he lifted his wet scraggly scarecrow type t-shirt, and Brian felt he had to look away when he could feel himself start to blush, even though he was constantly reminding himself that this was all just some sort of dream and that none of it was real. But why was he feeling this way?

"What the hell?" Roger says, his eyes wide with pure awe. "How?"

Brian just shrugged, completely entranced by the scarecrows transformation as his dirty stringy blonde hair changed as well, becoming longer, brighter, and soft to the touch. "I don't know, mate, I didn't make the rules in this."

 _"Tee-hee,"_ the author giggles. " _You're welcome."_

Roger looked up at nothing in particular. "Thank you."

"Come on, let's get going, yeah?" Brian suggests, standing up while holding out a hand to the blonde to help him to his feet.

*****

Meanwhile back in the lair of the evil king's castle, the dumb ass Professor Sheffield was drawing on his board on how to fix the bitch ass kings table. 

"So let's see what the key elements are for fixing the table in this experiment," the Professor says to himself as he studies the board. "We have the table. We have the milk that falls from the table. Ah...I think I see the problem now. There seems to be some sort of gap. Hmmm...I must do some experiments and we can sort this out...once and for all. And when my beloved Tediz are ready...then my liege...we will see who gets the duct tape. Heh heh heh!"

*****

Sat outside the entryway of the barn, a lonely King Bee suddenly took notice of two human men walking the path.

"Hey there, could ya spare me a dime?" he calls out, but they don't hear him. "Hey boys. Ugh they always ignore me. Hey!"

Roger and Brian turned towards the source of the voice. "Hey there, Mr. King, what's up, mate?" Roger greets him as they approach.

"What happened to you, Mr. Scarecrow, you look different," the bee observes. "Almost didn't recognize you."

"It's a long story," Roger tells him. "Why aren't you with Queen Bee?"

"Oh her? That bitch threw me out," King Bee tells him. "Apparently the hive keeps getting stolen. I don't care. Couldn't ever fit in the fucking thing anyway. You've seen how fat she is. Bitch! Now I'm reduced to the status of a bum." 

"Oh well, I'm sure you'll find another place," Roger tells him with a reassuring smile. 

King Bee frowned. "Ugh, that's what they all say. I ain't gonna tell you about the fat bottomed babe then."

"The fat bottomed what?" Brian asks, suddenly interested, causing Roger to snicker at him.

King Bee chuckled at the curly haired man's facial expression. "Thought that might get your attention. Oh man, she's lovely. That's why the wife kicked me out. All I wanna do is pollinate her. Awww. She's also got breasts like you wouldn't believe."

Brian furrowed his brow, suddenly confused. "What do you mean? I thought you said she had a big--"

"Yeah," the bee says, pointing off into the field. "Over there."

Roger and Brian looked in the direction of his pointing to see a giant sunflower hunched down while covering herself as if sleeping.

The curly haired guitarist shook his head "Hold on a moment. Breasts and a big bottom? She's a sunflower."

"Yeah," the bee confirms. "What did you expect her to be? She's a sunflower with great tits and an ass. I'm a bee. Stupid bastard."

Roger laughed. "Oi now, there's no need for that. Brian isn't from around here."

"Oh...sorry," the bee apologizes to the curly haired man. "You gotta help me out though, buddy. I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"Well...alright then," Brian says, eager to check out this fat bottomed sunflower girl 'cuz he's an ass man and loves fat bottomed girls. ;) **(sorry I'll stop now. 😂)**

Walking the rest of the path, they entered the field and approached the sleeping sunflower. At the sound of footsteps, the sunflower lifted her head up to see two men, one with massive curly hair, the other with long blonde hair.

"Hi there," the guitarist greets her with a friendly smile. 

The sunflower giggled as her head of petals poofed outward.

"There's a gentlemen over by that barn that said he wants to pollinate you--"

"Go away," she coos in a seductive voice. "Ooooh that curly hair of yours looks far too tickly."

She continued to giggle and Roger looked at Brian with a cheeky smirk. "I think she likes you," he mutters as Brian blushes.

"Get that long curly hair away from me," she says to the guitarist.

"Oi, I'll have you know that my hair is exquisite, and it's your loss if you don't like it," Brian tells her.

"Ooooh," she jeers in a teasing tone. "Be like that." And she hunched back down to hide herself.

"There has to be some way," Brian says to Roger.

Roger looked around, suddenly spotting a swarm of tickly bumblebees off in the distance past the barn.

"Come on, I have an idea," the blonde says, gesturing for Brian to follow him.

Brian followed behind him, and hearing a buzzing noise, he looked up to see that they were approaching a swarm of bees.

"What are we doing?" he asks.

"You'll see," the blonde says. "Hi fellas!" he greets the bees.

The bees turned and buzzed happily in unison, then swarmed around Roger, and the curly haired guitarist watched as the blonde waved his arms about, giggling and laughing.

"Oi, cut that out!" he squeals. "Stop it! Go tickle him!"

The bees looked at Brian who backed away with a nervous smile. "I'm good, thank you," he tells them, earning a round of sad bee noises from the swarm as they stopped swarming around Roger and asked the blonde what was up.

"Not much," Roger tells them. "We need a favor though. Could you tickle a sunflower for us?"

The swarm looked at one another and buzzed to each other before coming to a decision as they buzzed a response to the blonde.

"You will?" Roger asks, earning another buzz of approval. "Alright cool, follow us."

The bees buzzed happily as they followed alongside Brian and Roger, while also sending out pheromone signals to other tickly bees, and soon enough they had several dozen bees following them into the field towards the sunflower, and the flower raised her head. Unable to resist the bees, they swarmed around her and she laughed and giggled, until she spread her arms out, giving Roger and Brian a view of her giant breasts along with her voluptuous backside as she danced. **(I'm sorry that was cringe, but it's in the game. Poor me having to witness that at 7 years old on a game for Nintendo 64. XD)**

The King Bee, now having been alerted by the commotion, flew over to them.

"There you are," Brian says to him. "She's all yours, mate."

The bee grinned, feeling himself getting excited. "Thanks very much. I'm going in now. Wish me luck, fellas!"

And the two men watched on as King Bee "pollinated" the sunflower, their eyes wide and jaw dropped to the weird noises they were making, and after the bee and sunflower were done, King Bee turned to a red faced Roger and Brian with a happy smile.

"Cheers, fellas," he says to them. "I feel like a brand new man. See ya around."

"Yeah cheers, mate," Brian mutters as the bee flew away. "No problem."

"Oh look it's 10," Roger says, glancing at his watch. "Let's get out of here."

The sunflower waved as they turned and left. "Bye lover boys!"

*****

**Well then. Bye I guess, see ya'll in the next chapter. 😁 *leaves awkwardly***


	10. This Place Is 💩

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be kinda gross, sorry. I did my best in using different words to describe what's going on. Just be lucky I didn't write in the original mission from the game 'cuz it's way more grosser than what I've wrote. Also I snuck in some Maylor. ;)
> 
> Anyways, this wasn't really proofread all that much 'cuz I don't really give a shit. Haha get it? Enjoy I guess.

In the throne room, King Prenter was pacing around impatiently, waiting for the Professors return on how to fix his table.

"What's taking that bloody wanker so long?" he grumbles to himself, suddenly taking notice of his four servants, Joe, Ben, Gwilym, and Rami all staring at him. "What are you four looking at?"

The servant with shoulder length raven hair shook his head. "Nothing, your highness."

The king stared them down, making them feel uncomfortable, and the four young men averted their eyes to the floor. The creep then sat down on his throne and began to absentmindedly strum on the stolen red guitar for a few moments until he stopped and looked towards the door, suddenly hearing the approaching shouts of the Professor.

The doors open and the Professor flew in on his hover chair, excited as ever.

"My lord, I have found a solution!" he exclaims as he brings out his drawing board. "A solution to the problem! Now if you have a look here and analyze the table closely, as I have done, you will see that there is a gap. And it's not just any old gap here, my lord. It is a big one. That's why stuff falls off. It's a weight problem, because of a gap. That's the problem."

Prenter rubbed his chin in thought. "I see. And the solution is?"

"Ah yes, now here is the best part, my lord," the Professor says with a grin. "I was debating on what to do. I tried many different things, until one particular thing came to mind. A certain human. Here take a look."

Suddenly interested, the king leaned forward and looked at the human drawn out on the board who was quite tall looking and had long curly hair.

"So, we get a tall human," the Professor says. "This tall human."

Prenter smiled. "Tall human. Yes I've heard of those. So?"

"So it is simple, my lord," Sheffield says. "We get a human and we put them right there in the gap of the table. Nothing falls off, we don't duct tape."

"Gentlemen," Prenter says, looking at his four servants.

"Yes, my lord?" the frizzy haired servant boy asks. 

"Get me one of these humans," the king orders.

"Yes, my liege," the curly haired one says.

"Anything for you, master," the blonde one says. 

*****  
 **  
**

**(A/N: My immature 7 year old self loved this next mission and thought it was funny as hell. XD Also I'm wondering if collecting cow dung is a real thing done at farms.)**

Leaving the farm, Roger and Brian headed back the way they came from, back to where Brian dreaded going because it smelled so bad, but according to Author-chan, they had to go there as it would eventually lead the curly haired guitarist to where he needed to go to get home.

"This place is shite!" a passing dung beetle yells out as they near the cabin. 

Another beetle yelled out something as Roger and Brian quickly stepped into the cabin, shutting the door behind them.

"Hey, alright there, how ya doing, mates?" a dung beetle behind the counter greets them. "Me names Jizza."

"Hi, how you doing?" Brian greets him as Roger waves. "I'm Brian."

"Roger," the blonde says, introducing himself.

"Would you like to come in now?" the beetle asks.

"I'm sorry?" Brian asks, not quite understanding the question.

"Yeah, like a sit down," it says. "Whaddya want?"

"Oh, we were just looking around the place and thought we'd come in for a bit," Brian tells him. "Smells out there."

"You'll have to excuse him, he's not from around here," Roger says.

Jizza the dung beetle chortled. "Ahh I see, yeah, we're like fucking dung beetles and we roll the poo around all day, fuck knows what for. Where ya from, mate?"

"London," the curly haired guitarist says.

"Ah, no kidding," Jizza says. "I'm a Scouser meself from Liverpool. Hey ya boys want some poo?"

"Sure," Roger says, earning a scowl from Brian.

"Actually, no thanks, we really should get going--"

"Alright then, get ya fucking arse downstairs," the beetle tells him, pointing to a stairwell. "There's these fucking cows. Get 'em in there, get 'em to crap, and I'll make ya a ball of poo, and you can do whatever the bloody hell you like with it. Sound good?" 

Brian scrunched his nose in disgust. "Uhhh..."

"Right then, go on, on your bike," the beetle says, waving them off.

"Come on, Brian," Roger says, motioning to the stairwell. "Can't be that bad."

 _Bloody hell, why me?_ he thinks to himself. 

"Are you still here?" Jizza asks, taking notice of the curly haired man still standing by the counter. "Fuck off! Get your arse in there!"

"Alright, alright!" Brian says, holding his hands up in defense. "We're going."

Annoyed with the former blonde haired scarecrow for getting them into this with no way out, Brian glared at him, shoving past him as he descended the stairs. Roger giggled and the other man held up a middle finger.

"Hiya mates," another dung beetle, surrounded by all sorts of protective equipment, greets them. "What ya fancy?"

"A quick death," Brian says.

The dung beetle laughed. "Sorry mate, can't help ya with that. I can however offer ya gloves and hazmat suits."

"See Brian, told you it wouldn't be so bad," Roger tells him, and Brian rolls his eyes. "So what do we do?" the blonde asks the beetle.

The dung beetle handed both men their gear. "Right so, what you'll be doing is go all the way down this hallway and you'll come upon a pasture. Get these cows up and moving, fill their bowls with prune juice and get 'em to shite in buckets. Then dump the buckets in the poo ball machine and once you're all done with that, wash out the buckets, then have ya selves a wash up as well. Got it?"

"Yeah, seems pretty easy," Roger says.

Brian however just wanted the ground to swallow him up, but seeing as they were getting suits and gloves for the job, a part of him thought this wouldn't be so bad after all. After gearing up, the two headed off to the pasture where there was surprisingly only ten or so cows and not as many as they thought there would be.

"Ahh look Mavis, some nice blokes have come to feed us!" one female cow says. "Mmmooooo!"

They all joined in mooing as Brian and Roger got to work in filling their feeding bowls with cranberry prune juice, and soon the cows were all drinking away like crazy.

"What's the point of the prune juice?" Brian asks.

Roger was just about to answer when a cow started screeching about something, and they both turned to see a cow having a heavy bowel movement.

"Quick, get a bucket!" Roger yells.

Brian scrambled fast to grab a metal bucket and quickly placed in behind the cow.

"Oh I'm so sorry you have to see this, young man!" the cow exclaims.

"You're good," Brian tells it.

Suddenly another cow started up and Roger ran over with another metal bucket. Then Brian's bucket filled up quickly, overflowing everywhere and as the guitarist ran for another bucket, one of the other cows let go, and Brian ended up covered in head to toe.

"No, no, no, no!" he pleads, squeezing his eyes shut while also thankful for the suit at the same time. "This is not bloody happening!"

"Bri, I need another bucket!" the blonde screeches, then seeing Brian, his eyes widen as he starts to laugh. "Holy shit, you look like a crap monster!"

"Shut up, Roger!"

They resumed in running around from cow to cow, filling up buckets until they all stopped, and the two men sighed in relief that the worst part was over.

"See Bri, it wasn't all that bad," the blonde says to him as they began transferring the buckets to the machine.

The curly haired guitarist just rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna need a bloody shower after this," he grumbles.

After each bucket was dumped into the poo ball machine, the dung beetle from before pointed them in the direction of the washing area.

"Go on, right through there, mates," it says, then looking at Brian, the beetle chuckled at him. "Got ya self covered in the screaming shites, aye?"

Brian nodded. "Unfortunately yes."

"Ah don't feel so bad. It happens."

The dung beetle then left again and the two once again went to work on rinsing out every single bucket, then sprayed down their rubber works suits and gloves.

"Need help taking that off?" Roger asks him.

"No, I'm--" Brian suddenly trailed off as he turned towards a sweaty Roger to see him already stripped down to his underwear. "I'm good, thanks."

He turned back around, feeling his cheeks heat up as pulled off his own suit and began to strip down.

"Feeling shy?" Roger asks, teasing him.

Brian scoffed at the former scarecrow. "No."

"Oh really?" the blonde says, and Brian practically hears the smirk in his high pitched voice.

"Really," the curly haired man confirms.

Roger grinned cheekily, a sudden funny idea coming to mind. Raising his sprayer, he sprayed Brian in the back of the head.

"Hey!" he shouts, and turning around, he sprayed the blonde back, and they began laughing and giggling as they started a water fight.

By now, the both of them were completely soaked, and the blonde reached out to wrestle the sprayer away from the taller man, not realizing he was backing up into a corner until he felt the wall stop him in his tracks. They suddenly stopped when they noticed just how close they were to each other, and Brian felt his breath catch in his throat when Roger's blue eyes looked right into his with a certain expression that got his heart racing, which confused him. None of this was real and the blonde haired man in front of him wasn't exactly human. Right?

Everything suddenly seemed to go quiet around them as Roger lifted his hand, reaching up to touch the curly haired guitarists cheek, and Brian found himself responding to the touch as he grabbed onto Roger's underwear clad hips and pulled him flush against his own body, the feeling of his wet skin against his sending a shiver down his spine.

 _This can't be fucking real_ , Brian thinks to himself. _It can't be. What am I doing?_

Almost as if he had no control over himself, Brian leaned down, about to press his lips to Roger's when the dung beetles voice broke the silence as well as the intimate spell between them.

"Have ya lads finished with that yet?" it asks.

Brian and Roger quickly pulled away from each other just as the beetle walked in with some towels.

"Yeah it's all done," Roger tells him, his cheeks red from the close call of almost being caught.

"Ah, well done," the beetle says. "Brought ya some towels. Dry ya selves and Jizza says ya free to leave."

"Thanks," Brian says, taking a towel.

"Anytime, mate" the beetle says, and leaves again.

They dried off in silence, stealing secret glances at one another every so often, and once they were redressed, they headed back upstairs where Jizza was outside waiting for them.

"Yeah, there it is, over there" it says, motioning to a ball of cow dung. "Big ball of poo."

"Oh...yeah thanks," Brian mumbles.

"You're welcome to it, mate," Jizza says, and turning away he flew off.

"We're not really using that are we?" Brian asks, looking at Roger.

 _"Actually yeah, you're supposed to in order to get to the next location,"_ author-chan pipes in.

Brian sighed and closed his eyes. "What do we do then?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking discontinuing this story 'cuz it's not doing too well.


	11. A 💩 Night At The Opera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm continuing this, but the shit's not over yet until the giant crap monster sings. Also I've made a slight change in the lyrics as well as some of GMP's dialogue. Enjoy.

"Have you ever been in here before, Rog?" Brian asks.

The former scarecrow shook his head as they stood inside the entrance of the giant mountain of shit, which was quite huge and surprisingly wasn't all that bad now that Brian had gotten used to the smell with the help of author-chan. Stepping in further, the curly haired guitarist suddenly collided with a frightened looking dung beetle.

"Whoa there," he says. 

"Alright there, take my advice and get outta here, there's somethin' really bad in there, mate!" the beetle cries. "You just don't wanna go in there, it's bloody bad I tell ya!"

"Oi, calm down," Roger says to him. "Now, just calm down and tell us what's wrong."

The dung beetle took a deep calming breath. "Right. Ok. It all started a few days ago. It was me and the lads. We was havin' a cuppa tea. The next thing we know Tezza's gone. We couldn't find him! We thought ah, maybe he's just gone off, ya know, to do a bit of shoppin' or somethin'. He never came back. Bazza was next. He was just walkin' along minding his own business. So I stood there and I said "Hey Bazza, how 'ya doin there, like, mate?" And then he waved over, and that was it...this giant thing came up outta the shite and pulled him under!"

"What pulled him under?" Brian asks.

The beetle shrugged. "I don't know, mate," it tells him. "But I thought to myself "Oh no I'm getting out of here!" And when I came out of hiding, I thought it was all clear. The lads were gone. Then I discovered the bastards had nailed me in. Anyway, I'm outta here. You two can do what ya like. There's some sort of flusher up there if you can be arsed to get to it. See ya's."

With a wave, the beetle took flight and flew past Roger and Brian towards the entrance, and the two men stood in silence for a moment until Brian noticed something jumping around a little ways down the path.

"What's that?" Brian asks, pointing to it.

Roger moved past him and down the path until they came to a section that lead to a drop-off of a giant circled opening filled with dung, where squares of bread were jumping about by the ledge.

"Oh it's sweetcorn," Roger says.

"BRING ME SOME SWEETCORN!" a deep voice bellows out, causing Brian and Roger to jump in surprise.

"Who was that?" Brian asks, looking around for the source of the voice.

Roger shrugged. "Don't know. But if that's what they want, I guess we'll give it some. Be careful where you step though. If you fall in, you'll smell for eternity."

"Hmmm, lovely," Brian mumbles, disgusted by the unpleasant image now burned into his mind. 

Gathering up all the sweetcorn they could find, they threw every single piece into the pool of dung, which disappeared underneath the surface.

"Is that it?" Brian asks.

Suddenly a loud rumbling was heard from the middle, and both men froze in fear to the sight of the pool of dung bubbling with something slowly rising up from within, and they watched as a giant monster with green eyes and rotted teeth rose up, looking angry as ever.

"Holy shit..." Roger breathes out, his eyes wide. **(literally XD)**

The giant monster glared at the two as it cleared it's throat and began to...sing a vocal warm up? Brian and Roger looked at each other in confusion before looking back at the monster.

♫"Mimimimiiiii! I am the Great Mighty Poo and I'm going to throw my shit at you! A huge supply of tish come from my chocolate starfish. How about some scat you little twats!♫

The monster then proceeded in throwing giant balls of dung through the air, and Roger and Brian screamed and ran to avoid getting hit. They ran up the path, dodging the things being thrown at them until by pure luck, they came upon a large pile of dropped toilet paper rolls that suddenly gave the former scarecrow an idea.

"Bri, I have an idea!" Roger yells, pointing to the toilet paper.

"Yeah, and what might that be?!" Brian yells back, jumping out of the way of an oncoming dung ball.

"We throw toilet paper at it!" the blonde says, throwing a few rolls in his direction.

Brian caught them, and the giant monster opened it's mouth wide as it sang out a long note, giving them both an opportunity to throw toilet paper into it's ghastly and foul gaping maw, but it only seemed to anger it more as it continued it's song.

♫"Do you really think you'll both survive in here? You don't seem to know which creek you're in. Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear. How'd you think I keep this lovely grin?"♫ It smiled brightly, showing off it's yellow teeth. "Have some more caviar!" it laughs. 

Sending more balls of dung through the air, the two jumped out of the way and ran further up the path with the bundles of toilet paper. The monster then opened it's mouth to sing another long note and Roger sent a roll in it's direction, which landed inside it's gaping mouth, causing it to choke and spit it back out.

♫"Now I'm really getting rather mad, you're like wiggly tickly shitty little tag nuts. When I knock you out with all my bab, I'm going to take your heads and ram them up my arse!"♫

"Your arse?" both Roger and Brian ask in unison.

♫"My arse."♫

"Your arse?!" the repeat.

♫"That's right, my arse!"♫

"Ewww!" Brian exclaims.

"My arse!"

"AAAAHHHHH!" Roger exclaims with a cringe.

♫"My aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrse!"♫ the monster continues, causing the glass case of the flusher to crack a bit from the frequency of the singing.

Roger took notice of the cracked flusher case, and another sudden idea came to mind. As the giant monster sang out more long notes, both the former scarecrow and the curly haired guitarist threw more rolls of toilet paper at it, which seemed to anger it even more as it suddenly stopped for a few seconds more spreading it's arms out and it belted out one long, and quite loud note, which shattered the glass to the flusher.

Brian looked over in the direction of hearing glass breaking, and Roger yelled over to him.

"Pull the flusher, I'll hold him off!" he yells.

The curly haired guitarist took off running down the long path in the direction of the flusher, where another badgers tail was at.

"Oh thank you, Freddie!" he says, and quickly taking the badger tail, he turned and pulled the lever to the flusher.

"Ah you cursed poodle head, look what you've done!" the monster yells out as it starts to spin downwards. "I'm flushing, I'm flushing! Oh what a world, what a world. Who would have thought a couple of little humans like you two could destroy my beautiful clagginess. Oooh I'm going! Ahh! Aaaahh! Nooo! Aaaaaahhhhh!"

And as it disappeared, the two men cheered.

"Now that's what I call a shit night at the opera," Roger says, smiling proudly at the now empty pool which was now just a hole.

Brian burst out laughing. 

*****

**Bye see you guys in the next chapter maybe.**


	12. I'm A Badger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright the crappy times are over, thank Jeebus. XD So all missions given by the catfish and beyond that have been skipped 'cuz they're literally impossible to put into writing and as much I hate to, I've also skipped the mission for the missing cogs for Bat's Tower. I don't know, maybe I'll go back to it later, but for now, we're jumping right into the stone age missions I guess. 
> 
> Anyways this wasn't really proofread all that much, but whatever. Enjoy. 😝

Brian sighed in relief, quite glad they defeated the gigantic shit monster. "So what next?"

"There looks to be a door down here," Roger tells him, pointing down into the massive empty hole.

The curly haired guitarist looked over the edge of the drop off to see a platform directly underneath them at the edge of the hole, where a rope was connected to the wall, which lead down towards another platform where the door was at. "I guess we jump in," he says. "Come on."

"Yeah, but--"

"Come on, Rog," Brian says, waving the other along as he sits on the edge of the drop off and jumps down. 

Despite his dislike for heights, Roger sat on the edge, and with a deep breath, he jumped down onto the platform next to Brian as he dreaded the next phase in having to the climb down the rope, which looked unstable and could possibly snap under their weight.

"I'll go first," Brian says.

"Be careful," the blonde tells him.

Brian just smiled at him as he slid himself off the edge, and very slowly he climbed down, the rope making a cracking sound from the weight. Then a few moments later, the guitarist called up to him.

"Your turn, Rog!"

 _Well here goes nothing._ With another deep breath, the blonde grabbed the rope and carefully slid down backwards off the ledge.

Brian backed up a bit towards the door to watch Roger climb down, and as he got about halfway down, the rope suddenly snapped, and Roger let out a startled scream as he went down. The guitarist quickly ran forward, catching the blonde in his arms. **(Good thing he didn't fall into the hole 'cuz god knows where it leads. Haha jk, it leads back to the poo cabin 'cuz video game logic I guess. :P)**

"Oof!" he grunts as Roger lands on top of him, knocking them both backwards to the ground.

Roger giggled and Brian began to blush at just how close their faces were as he felt that same familiar feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. The more he reminded himself this wasn't real, the more he began to doubt his own thoughts. This all felt truly real.

Noticing the curly haired man's troubled look, Roger climbed off the taller man and stood up. "What's wrong?" he asks as he holds out a hand to help the other stand up.

Brian shook his head as he climbed to his feet. "I just...I don't know."

But Roger didn't look convinced by that simple answer. "You can tell me."

He looked at Roger and sighed. "It's just, I keep getting these feelings, and the more I convince myself that none of this is real, I start to doubt it. I--Bloody hell, I don't even know anymore. Is any of this real?" he asks, gesturing to their surroundings and referring to the strange world he's in. "Are you even real? Does any of this make any--"

The blonde closed the distance between them, and placed a soft kiss to his lips. It was now their second kiss, only this one felt different than the last one from when Roger was a scarecrow. This time it almost felt right. Caught off guard, Brian's eyes widened and Roger giggled at his reaction as he backed away a bit.

"Was that real enough for you?" he asks with a cheeky bite of his bottom lip.

It took Brian a moment to register what just happened before he swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. His mind screamed at him to ask the blonde to do that again or at least kiss him back, but he couldn't find the words to speak or find the courage to make a move as something in the very back of his mind was still holding him back, convincing him this wasn't real. _No, he's still a scarecrow. He's not a human. Or is he?_

"Come on, let's get going," Roger says.

*****

"Oi, would you stop being all jumpy, it's getting rather annoying," the blonde says to the frizzy haired servant boy. "Jeez, why the bloody hell did the master stick me with you?"

"Sorry, it's just they're taking too long and I really have to go," the boy says. "I had those bean burritos for lunch."

He scrunched up his nose in disgust towards the other boy. "You're out of luck, bro. Look where we are. There's nowhere to go. You're gonna have to hold it."

The servant boy groaned. He was right, there was nowhere to go since they were currently standing at the entrance of a bridge, which was surrounded by molten hot lava, that led to a large village of dinosaurs and cavemen that weren't exactly welcoming to the outsiders.

"I can't hold it," he whines. "I gotta go now."

The blonde boy rolled his eyes. "Then go behind that rock over there."

The servant boy scurried behind the rock and began to really let go, and while the blonde was trying his best to ignore all the grunting noises and other sounds from behind the rock, he suddenly caught sight of what looked like two humans, one with long curly hair, who was tall, and one with long blonde hair, coming his way.

"Sorry mates, but I can't let you through," the blonde haired servant boy says as the two approach.

Brian looked at him suspiciously. "And why not?"

"We're looking for a tall human," the boy says.

Ignoring the grunting noises coming from behind the rock, Brian raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"Can you describe this tall human?" Roger asks.

"Well," the boy begins, eyeing up Brian. "You are tall, you have curly hair, and you're a human."

Deciding to mess with him, Brian grinned. "I'm not a human."

"Yes you are, mate. You fit the description of what we're looking for, so if you'll just come with me."

The blonde servant boy stepped forward and grabbed Brian's hand. "Look, I'm telling you I'm not a human," he says, pulling away from him.

The servant boy looked at him in confusion. "Then what are you?"

"Duh, I'm a badger!"

"A badger?" the boy asks. "I've never seen one of those before."

"Well, he's a badger and he's mine," Roger adds in, hooking a protective arm around the taller's man waist. "And you can't have him, so if you'll excuse us now, we'll be on our way." 

"Bye," Brian says as they walk off together across the bridge.

At that moment, the frizzy haired servant boy came out from behind the rock with a look of relief on his face. "Ahhh, there's nothing quite like a good old fashioned shit! Now then..." he trails off as he see's a blonde and a tall curly haired human walking off across the bridge. "Wait, what?"

"It's alright, that wasn't a tall human," the blonde boy says. "That was a badger."

"Really, a badger?" he asks in disbelief. "You stupid twat..."


End file.
